COOKIES: (Are your friend)
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Irish girl visits Dad:
An IRISH girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending
home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her
to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly.
She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out
wearing a fur and diamonds.
As she walked into the house her father said 'Hmmm - they seem to be
paying secretaries awfully well in London.'
The girl took his hands and said 'Da - I've been meaning to tell you
something for years, but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't
hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute.'
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over.
The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to
live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother
and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a
goner - killed by my own daughter!
Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice
things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I
could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed,
smiling. "Did you say prostitute, now? That was a close one -
I thought you said Protestant!"
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
~ Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.
~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.
~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
~ Darn, there go the lights again...
~ Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.
~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
~ Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
~ What's this doing here?
~ I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
~ That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
~ Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
~ And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
~ Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
~ Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
~ Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
~ Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
~ What do you mean you want a divorce!
~ Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Bill Gates' Advice
Here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school.
Life is not fair - get used to it.
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A women gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack
your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, "Oh My God! No
kidding?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife
yells back, "It doesn't matter......just get the hell out!"
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead
of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys
and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a
very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How
would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down
just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his
*Veterinary's office: "All unattended children given free kitten"
*On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
*Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
*At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
*Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
*At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
*Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and
stop reading these signs."
*On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
*On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
*At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what you're looking for
you've come to the right place."
*On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
*On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
*Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you
*In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
*Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin
*In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
*In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is
Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named
Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their
creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed
and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head
yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked ''Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no
Her response was, ''The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I
was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they
were asking if the mule is for sale . . . "
THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL
1. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
2. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying
"Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
"I apologize" and "You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever
gave me was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he says that you are too good for him, believe it.
Dirty Dancing - Time of my Life
IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU
The Tango - Scent of a Woman
Yesterday When I Was Young...Glen Campbell
Celtic Woman - O Holy Night
76 Trombones - The Music Man
Frank Sinatra - As Time Goes By (Casablanca)
Casablanca La Marseillaise
Jack Reacher Bar Fight Scene
Jack Reacher Never Go Back Intro