COOKIES: (Are your friend)
Are used to keep track of passwords, identify users,
shopping patterns, what type of pages you like, your preferences for that
particular site, and more.
If you've ever been to a site that requires a login and
password, you've probably noticed a "click here to remember your login
information", the site remembers this info by using cookies.
JOKES:
Irish girl visits Dad:
An IRISH girl went to London
to work as a secretary and began sending
home money and gifts to her
parents. After a few years they asked her
to come home for a visit, as
her father was getting frail and elderly.
She pulled up to the family
home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out
wearing a fur and diamonds.
As she walked into the house
her father said 'Hmmm - they seem to be
paying secretaries awfully
well in London.'
The girl took his hands and
said 'Da - I've been meaning to tell you
something for years, but I
didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't
hide it from you any
longer. I've become a prostitute.'
Her father gasped, put his
hand on his heart and keeled over.
The doctor was called but
the old man had clearly lost the will to
live. He was put to bed and
the priest was called.
As the priest began to
administer Extreme Unction, with the
mother
and daughter weeping and
wailing, the old man muttered weakly
"I'm a
goner - killed by my own
daughter!
Killed by the shame of what
you've become!"
"Please forgive
me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice
things! I wanted to be able
to send you money and the only way I
could do it was by becoming
a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside,
the old man sat bolt upright in bed,
smiling. "Did you say
prostitute, now? That was a close one -
I thought you said
Protestant!"
==========================================
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO
HEAR DURING SURGERY
~ Better save that. We'll
need it for the autopsy.
~ Someone call the janitor.
We're going to need a mop.
~ Bo! Bo! Come back with
that! Bad dog!
~ Wait a minute, if this is
his spleen, then what's that?
~ Hand me that, uh, that uh,
thingie.
~ Oh no! I just lost my
Rolex.
~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever
survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
~ Darn, there go the lights
again...
~ Ya know, there's big money
in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.
~ Everybody stand back! I
lost my contact lens!
~ Could you stop that thing
from beating? It's throwing my
concentration off.
~ What's this doing here?
~ I hate it when they're
missing stuff in here.
~ That's cool! Now can you
make his leg twitch?!
~ I wish I hadn't forgotten
my glasses.
~ Well folks, this will be
an experiment for us all.
~ Sterile, shcmerile. The
floor's clean, right?
~ Anyone see where I left
that scalpel?
~ And now we remove the
subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
~ Accept this sacrifice, O
Great Lord of Darkness.
~ Okay, now take a picture
from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
~ Nurse, did this patient
sign the organ donation card?
~ Don't worry. I think it's
sharp enough.
~ What do you mean you want
a divorce!
~ Dang! Page 47 of the
manual is missing!
==========================================
Bill Gates' Advice
------------------
Here's some advice Bill
Gates recently dished out at a high school.
Life is not fair - get used to it.
If you think your teacher is
tough, wait till you get a boss.
Flipping burgers is not
beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
had a different word for
burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
Be nice to nerds. Chances
are you'll end up working for one.
==========================================
A women gets home, screeches
her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and
shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack
your bags. I won the damn
lottery!" The husband says, "Oh My God! No
kidding?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" The wife
yells back, "It doesn't
matter......just get the hell out!"
==========================================
A man left for work one
Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead
of going home, he stayed out
the entire weekend partying with the boys
and spending his entire
paycheck.
When He finally appeared at
home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a
very angry wife and was
barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the
nagging and simply said to him. "How
would you like it if you
didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied.
"That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't
see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
and went with the same
results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down
just enough where he could
see her a little out of the corner of his
left eye.
==========================================
Great Signs:
*Veterinary's office: "All unattended children given free
kitten"
*On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband
fixed."
*Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one
Weak."
*At a tire shop in
Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next
blowout."
*Door of a plastic surgeons
office: "Hello, can we pick your
nose?"
*At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We
want
tows."
*Billboard on the side of
the road: "Keep your eyes on the
road and
stop reading these
signs."
*On an Electricians
truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
*On Maternity Room
Door: "Push, Push, Push."
*At an Optometrists
Office "If you don't see what
you're looking for
you've come to the right
place."
*On a Taxidermist's
window: "We really know our
stuff."
*On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is
expensive."
*Outside a Muffler
Shop: "No appointment necessary,
we'll hear you
coming."
*In a Veterinarians waiting
room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
*Inside a Bowling
Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to
hear a pin
drop."
*In the front yard of a
funeral home: "Drive carefully,
we'll wait."
*In a counselors
office: "Growing old is mandatory,
growing wise is
optional."
==========================================
Once upon a time there was a
woman married to an annoying man named
Steve. He would complain about everything. That day
he went to their
creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got
annoyed
and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, when all the
men walked by the wife she shook her head
yes and every time the women
walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked ''Why are
you shaking your head yes for men and no
for women?''
Her response was, ''The men
would say how sorry they felt for me and I
was saying, 'Yes, I'll be
alright.' When the women walked by, they
were asking if the mule is
for sale . . . "
==========================================
THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN
BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL
WORLD.
1. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to
the waiter.
2. Any and all compliments can be handled by
simply saying
"Thank you" though
it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy,
vital relationship:
"I apologize" and
"You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends
immediately.
It's easier to eat crow
while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that I remember
my mother ever
gave me was: "Go! You
might meet somebody!"
7. If he says that you are too good for him,
believe it.
==========================================
OVER THERE
Dirty Dancing - Time
of my Life
IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU
The Tango - Scent of a Woman
Yesterday When I Was
Young...Glen Campbell
Celtic Woman - O Holy Night
76 Trombones - The Music Man
Frank Sinatra - As Time Goes By (Casablanca)
Casablanca La Marseillaise
Jack Reacher Bar Fight Scene
Jack Reacher Never Go Back Intro
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