Tuesday, August 22, 2017



JOKES: 8 20 17

A   doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next check-up, the new doctor  told  her to bring a list of all the medicines  that had been prescribed for  her.  As the doctor was  looking through these his eyes grew wide as  he realized  Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.    "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control   pills?"   "Yes, they help me sleep at night."   "Mrs. Smith, I assure you  there is absolutely nothing in  these that could possibly help you sleep!"  She  reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and  said,  "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I  grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice  that my 16-year-old  Granddaughter drinks.  And  believe me it definitely helps me sleep  at night."   You gotta love Grandmas!

A   man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the  gorgeous  woman next to him started to breast-feed her  baby.  The baby  wouldn't take it so she said, "Come  on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll  have to give it to this  nice man next to us."  Five  minutes  later the  baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man  here."  A few  minutes later the anxious man blurted  out, "Come on kid.  Make up  your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The  last question was,  'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'  The   question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student  was hard  put to think of seven advantages.  He  wrote:
1)   It is perfect  formula for the child.
2)   It provides  immunity against several diseases.
3)    It is always the right temperature.
4)    It is inexpensive.
5)   It bonds the  child to mother and vice versa.
6)   It is always available as needed.
And  then the  student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just  before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he  wrote:
7)   It comes in two attractive  containers and it's high enough off the  ground where the cat can't get it.  He got an A.

An  old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.  He calls his grandson to his  bedside.  "Guido, I wan' you lissina me.  I wan' you to take-a  my chrome  plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."   "But  grandpa, I really don't  like guns.  How  about you leave me  your Rolex watch instead?"  "You  lissina me, boy!  Somma day  you gonna be runna da  business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa  money, a  big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.  Then one-a  day  you gonna comea home  and maybe finda you wife  inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do  then?  Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?' "

A  woman and her 12-year-old son  were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It  was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.   "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women  doing?"   "They're  waiting for their husbands to  get off work," she  replied.  The taxi driver turns  around and says, "Geez lady, why  don't you tell him the  truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They  have sex  with men for money."  The little boy's eyes get wide  and  he says, "Is that  true Mom?"  His mother,  glaring hard at the  driver, answers "Yes."  After a  few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if  those women have  babies, what happens to them?"  She said, "Most of   them become taxi drivers."

An   elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young  female  neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life,  the secret was to  sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her  oatmeal each morning.  She did this religiously  and lived to the age of 103.  She left  behind 14  children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the  crematorium used  to be.

The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. 
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said. 
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"


The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
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KEYBOARD SHORTCUTS FOR FASTER WEB BROWSING:

1. HIT SPACE BAR; SCROLLS  DOWN A PAGE.
SHIFT + SPACE BAR GETS YOU BACK.

2. GO BACK TO PREVIOUS WEB SITE; ALT +  BACK ARROW.
ALT  +  FORWARD ARROW TAKES YOU BACK

3. URL BAR, DO CONTROL + L

4. TABS;
TO OPEN,    CONTROL T
TO CLOSE,  CONTROL W
TO REOPEN, CONTROL SHIFT + T

5. BOOKMARK A PAGE, CONTROL D

6. CONTROL  +  PLUS SIGN; MAKES TYPE LARGER
    CONTROL  +  MINUS SIGN; MAKES TYPE SMALLER

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SMILE:  JERMAINE JACKSON

TOP GUN

SINK THE BISMARK

007

 AT LAST:  GLENN MILLER

Glenn Miller movie in stereo - Orchestra Wives

SUN VALLEY SERENADE


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About Me

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Lexington, KY., United States
Taught Windows from 1995 -2016